Pacem in Terris: Peace on Earth

The most peaceful weekend of my life.

As some of you may recall, while I was in California, I visited a Franciscan Mission. While on the way to the airport after our trip to Arizona, I turned to my Dad and told him that I wanted to go on a silent retreat. He asked me where, and I said I didn’t know, I just felt like I needed to escape for a little while, and take a break to reflect. I assumed that I’d have to return to California to do so, thinking there wouldn’t be any silent retreats near me.

About three days later at work, a friend turned to me and said, “Ana, did I tell you about the retreat I’m going on?”

To which my response was no. She proceeded to tell me all about this silent retreat she was going on in Isanti, Minnesota, called Pacem in Terris.

Sometimes there are coincidences in life, but sometimes it feels like things fall into place exactly how they should, and this was one such time.

I looked the place up online, saw the cute little cabins they have, and was completely sold. A few days later, I pulled the trigger and called to make a reservation.

I found out that the retreat has Franciscan roots, which particularly struck me since I’d begun thinking about doing a silent retreat while at the Mission in California. I had no idea that there was even a place to do silent retreats in Minnesota, and just three days after speaking the words out loud, this place, of all places, falls into my lap?

Like I said, sometimes things don’t feel like coincidences.

If you want to stay at Pacem, you have to call them to make arrangements. The women I spoke with was super calming, and I felt at peace already just calling to book a hermitage! Each of the little cabins at Pacem is called a hermitage, and you’re referred to as a hermit while there (not in a negative way, of course).

My friend had already told me what to expect, and had given me a list of items she normally brings with her on retreats, so I felt pretty equipped, but the woman on the phone also gave me a great run down of what to anticipate.

Despite their prep, I still struggled to figure out what to bring. Two full days and nights of no technology, no communication, no talking. I’m a chronic overpacker, and definitely was for this trip. I brought plenty of reading and writing materials, and lots of snacks – I was told you were provided with a basket of food, but wanted to bring my own just in case.

Here’s a list of what I brought with me:

Plenty of casual, comfortable clothing options. It was summer, and there is no air conditioning in the hermitages, so I packed and wore mostly athletic shorts and t-shirts or tank tops. I also had cozy sweatshirts for the cooler evenings. It was all about comfort.
Lots of snacks. Too many snacks. Snacks that are bad for you. Snacks that are good for you. Snacks that are red. Snacks that are blue. Snacks that would be eaten by Dr. Seuss (I don’t even really know what that last one means, but it had a nice off-rhyme).
Tennis shoes and flip flops
Slippers. My friend told me she always brings them, and it sounded comfortable and cozy, so I did the same.
A fresh notebook and set of new pens. I used this heavily while at Pacem, and have interjected some notes from my journal throughout the course of the blogpost below.
Two books
A devotional
A newsletter from my church that I’d been meaning to read, but hadn’t had time to
My camera
My laptop (I thought maybe the mood to write would strike me, and I’d want to type on my laptop)
Headphones (I always have to be listening to music)
Earplugs (I can’t sleep without them)
A reusable water bottle
Bug spray (Definitely needed this)
A headlight (the hermitages do not have running water, so if you need to use the bathroom, you need to walk outside to an outhouse. The headlight comes in handy when it’s dark out)
A special necklace that was gifted to me. At work, we recently built a new nursing home that included a chapel for residents and visitors. We needed a cross for the chapel, so we reached out to a local blacksmith, and I was part of the team that gave input on that project. When he completed our cross, he gave each of us a special cross necklace made from the very material that he made our cross in the chapel out of – it was a beautiful and poignant gift, and I felt compelled to bring it with me.

It ended up being a lot, with my laptop and camera bags, my backpack filled with reading materials and snacks, and an additional bag of clothing items.

When you arrive at Pacem, you park your car in their little lot, and walk up to the main community house, which they call Our Lady of Pacem.

A staff person greets you and has a small meeting with you, where they go through what you should expect from your weekend, and ask you what you’re hoping to achieve through your retreat/why you came to Pacem, as they’ll be praying for you while you’re there. A woman named Jackie met with me, and she was super sweet. She said she could tell by my smile that I was excited for the retreat, and that it was making her whole day, which made my whole day.

And man, was she right. I was ecstatic to be there. I needed nothing more from my life than some time to slow down, and just stop moving for a minute. To clear my head and relax.

In fact, shortly after she left me in my hermitage, I could feel this insane amount of release, this un-pressuring of burdens on my shoulders, and I knew I was smiling like crazy, so I took a selfie, and here I am, crazy eyes and all.

This is the crazy smile that made this lady’s day.

Anyway. She gave me a short tour of Our Lady of Pacem, showing me a large space that had cozy chairs and a fireplace that you could visit at any time, which was located right next to their dining space. They offer a dinner for all hermits Monday through Friday, which I’d said I’d attend, so she told me to return there for dinner that evening. On the lower level of the building were restrooms and shower rooms, as well as a few sitting areas and a library. She noted that they suggest folks don’t visit the library during their first visit, as you may want to reflect rather than read. She also showed me the chapel, which was beautiful – lots of natural light, lending an airy feel to the space. The chapel had an insanely beautiful painting of Jesus that I really liked – it was hung at the head of the room where rays of light hit it from the large windows above, and it almost glowed golden. It was super cool!

The hermitages are located down a small winding path, and sit in little cul-de-sacs of three. Once you pass a certain point, you’re not allowed to talk or make obscene amounts of noise. As one would expect at a silent retreat.

To help keep things quiet, only staff are allowed to drive down the little road to each of the hermitages, so they help you grab your things and drive you down to your little cabin, pointing out a few things along the way. There is a very peaceful meadow with several benches that you can sit at, as well as a plethora of walking paths to investigate.

When I arrived at my cabin, Jackie insisted on carrying my things in for me. She said they do it for all of the hermits, and it’s their tradition. I apologized for being an overpacker, because I felt bad that she carried all of my “what-if” items for me, but she laughed and said everyone overpacks their first time at Pacem. Which made me feel a little better.

When we got into my hermitage, she gave me a little tour, which I will now reiterate for you with complimentary photos.

First things first, here was my cute little hermitage: St. Catherine of Siena. Each hermitage is named after a saint.

It’s so cute, tucked into the woods!

Jackie pointed out that there was a little mailbox that I could leave a note in if I needed anything. There were pens and paper inside, and I could just drop a note if I needed more water, food, or anything, and a staff person would come by every day at noon to check it.

I never used it, but it was nice to have the option.

And here’s the inside of my hermitage!

It was quaintly beautiful.

Straight ahead was the sitting area, which I spent about 30% of my time during the next two days. I don’t know why, but that rocking chair was insanely comfortable, and it was really peaceful and calming to sit in front of the big picture window.

Directly to the left was a screened in porch, which I kept open the whole time I was there, making me feel like I was outdoors for most of the time I was on my retreat, even when I was in my hermitage.

Ugh. I want to be on that porch so bad. It was so calming and peaceful. Also, that chair is just asking to be sat in. There’s something about their chairs – super comfortable even though they’re wood! I spent a solid 30% of my time on the porch, as well.

Considering packing my bags again right now. The woods were so pure and beautiful – there was nothing manmade to disrupt them, and it was almost like the wildlife knew it, too. Which, they probably did. I’d never seen so many animals or creatures in my life. Everywhere you turned, there was a butterfly or a dragonfly. It was like magic.

Back to the hermitage.

To the right of the main room, there was a closet by the door, which had everything you’d ever need.

There was a map of the trails, extra bug spray, tissues, tea, coffee, mugs, a walking stick, and many other items you might find yourself looking for! Next to the closet was a little basin, a basket of food, and several jugs of water. I immediately filled the shelves with my belongings and moved right in.

Each guest is provided with a basket of food during their stay, and the food is super delicious. I wish I was eating it right now.

Each basket comes with lots of fruit, a block of cheese, a morning muffin, and two loaves of bread. If you need more food, you simply put a little note in your mailbox, and they’ll drop off more of whatever you need for you. You can also always go to Our Lady of Pacem and ask for more of whatever you need.

I was scared to eat the cheese, because I didn’t touch my basket until the next day, and part of me was nervous to eat anything dairy-based that had been sitting out all day, but I was told by my friend that not only is it perfectly okay to eat, but it’s one of the best things in the basket, so I totally missed out! Next time.

What we really need to talk about though, is the bread.

What you’re looking at is the best bread on the face of this earth. You can literally taste the love and prayers baked into it. I can’t even explain how perfectly delicious this bread is, but good God above, you should consider a weekend at Pacem if only to spend a weekend eating this bread. I ate it for most of my meals, and was totally satisfied. It’s soft, thick, and slightly sweet, but not too sweet. Everything is homemade at Pacem, and you can certainly tell.

Just past what I came to think of as my “kitchen” was a little table with a large cross and Bible.

There was also a little candle at the table. There were candles everywhere, which I loved, as a hardcore candle-addict, and also as someone who grew up reading Jane Austen novels and the like, where characters are constantly lighting candles to help them write their letters or walk around in their hallways after dusk. I definitely read by candlelight while at Pacem, as the hermitages are electricity-free.

Across from the kitchen was a little bookshelf that you could store some of your things in. On top was a little kettle for making tea or coffee, and a gas burner to heat said kettle. There was also a gaslight, which Jackie showed me how to use. I struggled and was terrified of it, so I only turned it on one night and then never touched it again.

Tucked into the corner next to the front door, and just before the kettle and burner setup was the bed.

It looks very simple, but let me tell you – that bed is comfortable. I had my best nights of sleep of all time there! I was told that many folks who go to Pacem sleep a lot. Pacem staff will tell you that not only does your mind need to rest, but your body does, and sleep and naps are all part of the experience.

After my tour, Jackie left me to be alone for the evening. Pacem serves its hermits an optional meal at Our Lady of Pacem every weeknight, and I’d said that I’d attend, so I changed into some more comfortable clothes and sat in my rocking chair for a few moments before walking up to the larger house for dinner.

I wasn’t sure what to expect – were we going to be allowed to talk at dinner? Because if not, that would have been mighty awkward. I arrived early, so I sat in the Chapel for awhile and stared at the painting of Jesus. Whoever painted it was highly skilled; it was mesmerizingly beautiful. Eventually, I headed to the dining room, where there were other guests gathered. None of us had been there before except for one woman, who assured us that we could talk. We had a nice dinner getting to know one another and eating delicious homemade Pacem food, but eventually parted ways and headed back to our hermitages for the rest of the weekend.

Walking back to my hermitage, I was struck by how beautiful the sun was coming through the trees.

Heaven must be like walking through the woods, I thought. It must be exactly like that.

I went back to my hermitage and journaled for awhile. Words flowed easily for me for awhile, but then suddenly I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know if I should try to sleep, or if I should try to do something else. I’m constantly pushing myself to be productive and efficient, that without the need or ability to do so, I felt a little lost. And suddenly, I got very tired. In my journal, I used the word “woozy.”

I had a whole moment of self-reflection and observation, taking a look at (and writing down) things about myself and my life. It’s definitely interesting to read over now. I also noted: “Thank God Dr. Eddy taught me stream of consciousness writing or this may have gone very differently.” Which is very true. Dr. Eddy was one of my professors at Winona State University, and she taught me all about the Beat Generation and stream of consciousness writing, which was very helpful during the retreat, so I could just let loose and let myself write without self-editing.

I moved to the porch for some time and listened to the movement of the wind through the trees, and watched the sun slowly fade, as I grew more and more tired in that super comfy rocking chair. I debated sleeping on the porch, but ended up moving to my bed in the hermitage.

Jackie had told me that there was a network of 800 people who would be praying for me during my time at Pacem – which, for a visual, meant that all of them could hold hands in a circle five rows deep around my hermitage. I fell asleep with that image in mind, which was actually pretty peaceful and comforting.

The next day, I woke up feeling like I had been meditating all night. It was the craziest feeling. I was only hours in, but I felt this incredible amount of peacefulness. I took the morning to just take care of myself. When I woke up, I drank a full glass of water, washed my face, put on a cozy sweater, slipped on my slippers, and ate the extremely delicious banana-walnut-date morning muffin while I sat in my rocking chair and looked out at the window. I’d slept with the windows open all night, and could still hear the rustling of animals moving around and the chirping of birds.

I’d slept for 11 hours total, which is unheard of for me. I live most of my life off 5 hours of sleep, which I would like to stop doing, but that’s my average.

I spent the morning just sitting in my chair. It was delightful. I was alone with my thoughts, contemplating some life changes I wanted to make, thinking about where I should truly be taking my life. I listened to the crack of branches out in the woods, and the shuffling of leaves as the wind swept through. I took some time to write down the dream that I’d had the night before, as well as to note some of my observations on how I was feeling. I sat on the porch for awhile, and then decided to go for a walk.

I headed toward a bench in the meadow, and encountered some wildlife, which I recorded in my journal. I would like to write that passage directly here for you now, because I think past-Ana and her journal notes are hilarious.

Update: Just saw a giant snake. Ok, maybe not giant. Probably like 14 inches. Maybe that is giant. It seemed big.

I almost walked right into him, but something made me look down.

I exclaimed, “Oh God!” and then we both waited for a minute, unsure, before it slithered away and I continued down my path.

Then, a little ways further, a robin sat perched in the path, looking straight at me.

“Man,” I thought. “This is just like playing Pokemon.”

And then, directly after thinking that, I laughed at myself because I am an absurd individual. It kind of was like playing Pokemon, though. there truly was an abundance of life at Pacem. It was alive in a way that I’ve never seen before – I’m not sure if it’s because Pacem is so simple and devoid of crazy human technology and disruptions, or if the wildlife can sense just how peaceful Pacem is. Maybe a healthy combination of both.

I felt like a kid again – like I was seeing everything with fresh eyes.

“Pacem is a garden,” I wrote in my journal. And it was.

Earlier, I had wanted to lay down in the meadow and think for awhile, but suddenly I was scared of snakes, so I opted to sit on the bench and…you guessed it! Journal! I eventually made my way to the center of the meadow, where I plopped down on another bench and wrote.

Here’s another fun excerpt from my journal from while I sat in the meadow that portrays exactly the ways in which my mind was running:

I feel calm again. Earlier I was thinking about/daydreaming about work, and I think it zapped me out of here and into Worryville. But now I’m back.

And I’m going to get scoliosis if I keep sitting this way.

Also I just SNEEZED THREE TIMES and I’m not sure if that breaks the silence rules or not but I can’t help it that I’m asthmatic and allergic to the nice things in life.

….Is it still a silent retreat if you’re talking to the butterflies?

There were butterflies everywhere, and I absolutely love butterflies, so every time I saw one I’d say “Hey there buddy, what’s going on?” and try to pick it up, and then suddenly I realized that I was talking in the meadow, which was a non-talking zone.

I also had one of the cutest wildlife experiences I’ve ever had, and I wish I could have recorded this to share it with the world, but alas. While sitting on the bench, I heard rustling and noted that the tall grasses were shaking, so I watched them and waited to see what would pop up. All of a sudden, a tiny, adorable lizard appeared, just making his way downtown, crawling fast. All of a sudden he saw me, made eye contact with me, and I swear to God he gasped as he propelled himself in the air, leaping in shock, and then dove down into the lower layer of grasses and foliage, disappearing altogether. I felt bad for shocking him so badly, but it was also super adorable and made me giggle.

After awhile, I kept walking down the path toward the lake. Along the way was a giant crucifix where folks had left little notes and trinkets that were interesting to look at. Not too far ahead were two different docks that you could walk out onto and sit. There was a rope at the end of each dock, so you could rope off the dock while you were there, and others would know not to disturb you. The first dock was pretty sketchy, and I couldn’t handle it. In my journal, I compared it to the suspension bridge of water bridges, because it continued to sink down into the water the further you walked into it, which was admittedly a little alarming to my calmed, peaceful little mind. So I decided to check out dock #2, which was much better, and also had a great view of the lake and a majestic swan that was swimming around. Yeah, there are not only shocked lizards, but majestic swans at Pacem.

There at the lake, I drafted a life plan for myself that made me feel a lot better, and relieved of a lot of pressure. I actually felt at that point, that I had gotten exactly what I hoped to get out of Pacem: clarity.

I went back to my hermitage after awhile – on my way back, I had the only interaction with another human during my stay there (after the dinner the first night). I walked past another hermit who was headed toward the lake, and we nodded and smiled at each other. After that, it was like the whole 240 acres were my own.

The paths at Pacem were extremely beautiful. I spent a significant chunk of my day on Saturday walking around and appreciating the beauty in nature around me.

Pacem didn’t make that hard to do.

Once I was back at my hermitage, I ate some delicious bread, and went out to my porch to sit for awhile. I was re-reading some of what I’d written in my journal, dwelling on my faith, when all of a sudden I heard a loud crashing through the woods. I looked up to see what it was, and the sound had stopped. I paused, staring, and suddenly a rabbit leapt out of the greenery, straight toward me, and stopped at the edge of the porch, right by my feet.

I actually gasped out loud, because it was so unexpected – I thought it would be a squirrel or something. He chomped on some plants for a minute, his hind leg twitching as a fat bumble bee buzzed past him, and I thought about how nature lives and works together.

I often wonder if rabbits are my spirit animal, because I’ve always had a lot of love for them, a really big soft spot in my heart for them, and have had a few particularly moving moments in my life related to them.

For example, once while I was in college, I was at the bus stop after class. I wasn’t going to church regularly, and as I was waiting for the bus, I was asking myself a lot of questions about what I really believe and what I should really be doing.

Across the street from the bus stop was a church. Now, we’re in the center of town on a bustling college campus, so in my mind, there’s no way this is a common occurrence, but as I’m questioning myself and literally thinking about signs, a little bunny comes out of nowhere. He gently hops down the sidewalk, and then hops up every step of that church across from me. I was in disbelief, because I’ve never seen a wild rabbit hop up an entire set of steps to any kind of human establishment, especially numerous steps up to a big church, and especially in the manner this bunny did. He pranced right up to the door, and I half-expected him to lift both of his paws and give the door a giant push, and hop right in.

So I’m sitting in my chair, wondering if I’m doing well-enough, or if I’m doing just enough in my life, and if I’m letting myself slow down enough and just be, and this cute little bunny springs out of nowhere. Eventually, after eating his fill of plants, he hopped away. I watched him as he hopped right up the steps of my hermitage, right up to my door, and I thought of his little friend in Winona. We both looked at each other for a minute before he crawled below the steps, his fluffy little white tail disappearing into the green and brown leaves.

How’s that for a sign?

I continued to journal for awhile, and sometime around the early evening, the retreat got to be hard. I had been alone with myself all day, with no technology, no activities, just myself, my mind, a few hikes, a lot of journaling, and an adorable cameo from a bunny.

I was getting restless and antsy. I felt like since I’d gotten the clarity I’d been looking for, I wanted to go and make it happen.

After eating dinner, I grew tired, so I went to lay in my bed and read about the patron saint of my hermitage. A few hours later, I started growing restless again, and was feeling pretty critical of myself for not being able to calm down, and started worrying about measuring up to my own and others’ expectations of myself. Suddenly, I heard lots of rustling outside. After a few times of hearing the sound, I wanted to get up and check it out, but I was also super comfy in bed, so I told myself if I heard it one more time, I’d go investigate. And I did.

It was none other than my bunny friend!

I got my camera out for this one, because I couldn’t believe he was back, right in front of my window. He munched on some leaves for awhile as I took photos of him. Eventually he stopped, staring right at me. I’d thought that he’d noticed me earlier, so I wasn’t sure why he’d stopped then, but he did.

We looked at each other for awhile, and I got nervous, thinking that he was scared, because his little chest was moving pretty quickly, so I said a prayer asking God to calm both of us down and give us peace.

I’m not even kidding you guys, as soon as I said my prayer, my little bunny stretched out his legs and took a nap.

Like, what? Literally seconds earlier his little heart was racing and his chest was pumping because he was nervous, and then all of a sudden he lays down and naps??

So I sat and meditated and prayed with him. He hung out for quite awhile, even after his nap, snacking on the greenery. After awhile, he dashed off around the hermitage to who-knows-where.

Here’s another photo of him because he’s super cute.

Ugh, look at his cute little face as he munches on those cute little plants.

After some more journaling and meditating, I eventually drifted off to sleep, happy with my experience at Pacem and excited to do a little more hiking in the morning before heading home.

However, I had an interesting night. Somewhere in the middle of the night, I woke up to what sounded like gunshots. Now, there are no lights at Pacem. Not within the hermitages, not outside lighting the paths, nowhere. So when you wake up, it is truly pitch black.

I heard the sound again, but it was a giant booming sound that was extremely alarming. My first thought was that the trees in the forest were falling down around me – that’s how loud it was. I turned my phone on quickly so I could check and see what the weather was like, unsure if I was unsafe in the hermitages, but also thinking it couldn’t be much safer to walk all the way back to Our Lady of Pacem if trees were getting blown over or struck by lightening. However, my weather app showed that it was a perfectly normal evening, so I became very confused.

As it turns out, the next town over was having a summer festival in which they were shooting off fireworks. However, the way it echoed across the trees was extremely loud, and having spent an entire 24 hours without speaking to anyone or hearing any kind of man-made noise, the sound of the fireworks echoing across the forest was very alien-like to me, and I couldn’t figure it out. After awhile, I guessed that it could be fireworks, but was kept awake until they ended. The next day, I passed a sign heading out of town that advertised a firework show the evening before.

It was very bizarre, how disjointed it sounded after not hearing any sounds other than nature’s for 24 hours!

So the following morning, I woke up feeling ready to go. The weather forecast was actually for rain that day, so I ended up waking up early, packing up, and heading out, ready to take on the world after the peacefulness and clarity I’d gotten at Pacem.

Before you leave your hermitage, you’re asked to clean the building and get it ready for the next hermit. They have a list that you need to follow in your cleaning, and they also have someone come out and to a little extra tidying and to take the linens to be washed. However, it was kind of cool to know that you’re cleaning the hermitage for the next person to stay there. When I returned from my retreat, I learned that my friend had by chance (or was it!) stayed in the same hermitage as me, so she had prepared my hermitage for my stay. Life comes full circle in weird ways, my friends. After I cleaned up, I took a second to look around at the little cabin that I felt like I’d spent a lifetime in. I was grateful, and I was ready to take on the world.

As I walked to the main building and back to my car, I encountered some deer in the meadow.

They stopped to look up at me while I passed, but very quickly resumed eating in the field, not bothered by my presence at all.

Overall, I had an extremely good experience at Pacem, and would love to go back there again. I’m actually itching to make a reservation for myself soon, however I’m not enthusiastic about going there in winter without any heat, so my next trip may have to wait until the spring. If you find yourself considering going to Pacem, check out their website and feel free to ask me any questions.

If you made it to the end of this extremely long blogpost, thank you for sticking around!

Next on my docket was another series of State Park trips. Stay tuned for more adventure.